Through all of the pain, agony and suffering, there was good. I learned to understand what my body, mind and spirit was going through. It was a harsh reality. Everyday felt like a nightmare that I could not wake up from. never once did I pity myself or ask God why.
The questions I did ask God was, what am I to learn from this? Where am I to go after this? How will I conquer this? What is your plan for me?
The most frustrating part of this whole process was that God was the only one I could seek to mend me emotionally physically and spiritually, because my doctors gave me no counsel on what to expect and how to endure this process. My mother and I spent a lot of time online and asking others to learn about the burns and different ways to bandage and re-bandage, bathe, cover myself, keep my body temperature regulated, deal with my anxiety, stress and desires for human interaction and to be outside of the sterile room.
Learning to deal with not being able to bathe myself or use the restroom on my own were two of the most humbling moments through this process. I was 23 and had no privacy and yet too much privacy. The other humbling factor was that "life does not stop for you." I had no one to talk to about what I was going through that could relate. I wanted so badly to be back to my normal self and be able to talk to my friends about more than how I was doing. I did not want pity. I wasn't even sad for myself at the time. Now, that I reflect on that time, I am very sad for me. I realized during this time that most of my friends and family were superficial. I learned that most people that I called friend were only a friend to those that they could hang out with, and who were not an inconvenience to their schedules and status.
On top of everything I had never in my life felt ugly, until now. I never thought I was the prettiest girl in town, but now I could not look at myself in the mirror. I looked like a nightmare. I had holes and dots all over my face from the surgical procedures. My face was as red as a beat. I couldn't do anything for myself, even type, change channels, walk or eat. I felt disastrous. Yet my parents, siblings and boyfriend were more encouraging that ever. My few true friends still told me how beautiful I was. Ans through God's grace I still knew that my beauty on the inside prevailed. My positive outlook on my healing and progress radiated beauty. Through all of the bandages and handicaps I was gorgeous!
The good that came from abandonment, pain, suffering and questioning was my relationship with God. I drew nearer to him, my mom, stepdad, brothers, sister and my boyfriend (who is now my husband) like never before. God and Family is all one needs in life. With God and Family you can find all of the love and comfort one could possibly desire.
Psalm 23:1-6 "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
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